It's a glandular thing.

Oh dear.

Sat, 20 Nov 2004 00:30:42 GMT

Tarnation! I have not been able to update in AGES, which is simply awful! So much has happened since I was at Bilbo's lovely abode. But I'd best just start as soon as I can describing what has happened to me during my absence from the computer. I cannot at the moment, but I shall summarily.

I think I've lost a bit of weight. Not very much, but being on the rode I suppose helps out in that regard.

Blast!

These things are positively scandalous!

Thu, 30 Sep 2004 05:29:32 GMT

Your Erotic LJ dream by cozzette

username

you went to bed feeling

You began to dream about

Bilbo Baggins

who was

huggling you mightily

Bag-End

with

pipe-weed in hand

which made you

blush

but was interupted by

smaug

who began to

breathe fire

You awoke

right away

and you hope

that dreams do come true

chance of that happening:: 68%

Quiz created with MemeGen!

Ack!

Thu, 30 Sep 2004 05:20:34 GMT

I have missed you all so much! I promise I will write what has been going on soon. Suddenly I am ever so busy...I almost miss the days when I would just sit around and eat roast goose...

Finally!

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 05:03:48 GMT

We are finally here! A wondrous place to rest...oh, so much has happened! I haven't the time or the energy to tell you all about it yet, but oh, I am rather excited to be here, and this cozy home is all I could have wished for after nights of knobbly stumps.

Dear me.

Wed, 25 Aug 2004 06:04:07 GMT

What a lot of walking! The blister has healed, but it certainly doesn't lessen the the effort. I am terribly tired. Confidentially, although I feel all right about being a heavy-set dwarf, I do think I've lost a pound here or there from all this walking. I suppose it's good for me.

My pack sometimes feels as heavy as an oliphaunt! Hypothetically speaking, that is. I brought my drum along with, but Thorin encouraged us to bring our instruments along so that during some nights we could play around the campfire. At times I wish I had a smaller instrument, like a clarinet, but really my talent lies in percussion. Ah well.

Gandalf says that it will be another day's journey until we reach the Shire. I can't wait until I can sleep in a decent bed. I always manage to sleep on a knobbly something-or-other that gives me aches the next day. Ah well. I suppose if I expect not to have aches tomorrow morning, I ought to go to bed.

Oh dear.

Sat, 21 Aug 2004 02:35:21 GMT

All this traveling is hard on the feet. I think I have a blister, but that doesn't bear mentioning. (But I already mentioned it. Drat.)

Gandalf has incredible endurance! For one who seems so old, it's surprising he doesn't get more weary than the rest of us. The rest of us tire quickly, but I suppose that's because we aren't used to traveling, but Gandalf certainly is.

We're getting closer. I hope the folk in the Shire appreciate a good meal, because I sorely want one.

I do miss my green tea.

Wed, 18 Aug 2004 03:52:17 GMT

While being on the road is rather fun, I do miss sitting back and having a leisurely afternoon tea. Some may think it a little nancy of a dwarf to drink tea, but I positively love it. I only wish there was a way I could brew it here. Ah well.

All right. And now, a proper update. Right now we are headed to the Shire, as I mentioned in my previous entry. This all started when Gandalf stopped by a few weeks ago. He and Thorin had many private talks, and the conclusion of them was that we should all go on a quest to recover all our missing family treasures. That dratted Smaug has them know. I mean, it's all old news, I've been hearing about Smaug this, Smaug that, ever since I was a small child, but now I feel strangely humbled to be going on such a quest. After a while all this talk about Smaug makes him seem not quite real...like a childhood fancy. But at any rate...Thorin decided it would be best to bring the most able-bodied dwarves along, and happily I am included in that number. Hah! Some may call me fat, but Thorin thinks I am able-bodied! This is encouraging. Another plus to this trip is that now Bofur is so busy he doesn't have endless time to taunt me. But Balin's keeping an eye on him. Good old Balin.

So why are we going to the Shire, you may ask? Well, Gandalf explained to us that while he fully supports our mission, he will be unable to accompany us the whole way to the Lonely Mountain. This sent Thorin into a tizzy, because despite being everlastingly hung up on that tassel to his cape, he is a very superstitious dwarf. Well, dwarves in general are rather superstitious, but sometimes I feel like it's a tad silly. Once Gandalf leaves, our number will be thirteen, and Thorin things that will lead to bad luck, and that is certainly not what we need with a dragon with which to contend.

Gandalf is taking us to his friend's house in the Shire. Though from what Gandalf tells, it isn't a proper house at all, more like a hole in the ground. But still, if whoever it is is a friend of Gandalf, he can't be all bad. I'm nervous about having a non-dwarf companion, but I'm sure it will all be fine.

And now, time for a nice sleep under the stars. And maybe a little pita bread. (I brought some with me.)

Oh dear.

Mon, 16 Aug 2004 20:08:25 GMT

A thousand apologies for not posting in a long while. My computer sadly broke, and it is quite hard to get a repairman around here, as mose dwarves are not terribly computer-literate. Oh well. I guess that's the price to pay.

At any rate, I have a new, portable computer now! This is terribly exciting. I am also not at home anymore, but on the road! On a quest! Gandalf is with us right now, and we are headed to a curious sounding place called "The Shire." We'll just see what happens next I suppose. Will update soon with more information, so you will know what is going on, but I haven't the time right now. Thank you all for being there!

Gandalf!

Tue, 27 Jul 2004 06:29:33 GMT

Well, as a preface, this all began because Gandalf came by to visit. It's been a great long while since he's come by; in fact this was my first time meeting him. A bit unkempt, but a solid fellow, you can tell right off that he's a good sort. And anyway, he got Thorin to forget about the silver tassel, and that is a feat in itself.

He's been staying here during the couple of weeks since our rather large meeting. Apparently Thorin thinks it best to go on a quest to regain our family treasures that were taken by that blasted Smaug. Stupid dragon. What I want to know is this: what on earth can Smaug possibly do with it all? He can't wear the rings, the mithril coats, the crowns...he doesn't drink water, so why so many goblets? Of all the useless things! And I thought my chain mail collection was stupid...

Well, Gandalf suggested that Thorin choose the most reliable and able-bodied dwarves, and after much discussion he has decided to allow the following on the quest: Dwalin, Balin, Fili, Kili, Nori, Ori, Dori, Oin, Gloin, Bifur, Bofur and me. And me! I am ever so pleased I was chosen, even though I'm sure the path will not be easy. Gandalf said he would accompany us part of the way.

Now Thorin is fretting about over his superstitions. Because Gandalf will not be with us on the whole trip, our number will end up being thirteen, and he feels that that is terribly unlucky. I think perhaps he's being a tad silly, but I guess better safe than sorry when dealing with dragons.

We're trying to figure out what to do to ease Thorin's worrying mind. I suggested plum tart, but that got firmly rejected.

Thorin is more of a lemon tart sort anyway.

What Balin said...

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 16:34:08 GMT

I talked over my problems with Balin, and I feel much better now. He told me that Bofur was an insensitive fellow, and probably didn't even realize how much his comments hurt me, not that that's an excuse. At any rate, he said that in the future, I should tell Bofur right up front that what he's saying is unacceptable and excessively rude, and that I want him to stop. If he doesn't listen, Balin gave his blessing to my "bitch-slapping" of Bofur. Somehow I think that would surprise Bofur very much. Balin also said that should Bofur persist in being rude, he'd personally "fix his wagon" or involve Thorin, which would embarrass Bofur greatly, but I'm guessing it won't come to that.

So much happened over the weekend. There are so many preparations to be made, and so much news it almost feels like this Bofur business is hardly important. Well, I don't have to time to fully elaborate on this now, but Thorin called a huge dwarven meeting to discuss our missing family treasure...and well, I believe there is going to be a quest. Which is ever so exciting and thrilling, but anyway, I will have to write more about it later because I have to help Ori and Nori clean our travelling capes.

Thorin is still whinging on about the silver tassel that's missing from his cape. Still. It's been gone for almost a year; you'd think he'd be tired of complaining about it by now. Or better yet, he could have bought a NEW tassel. Fancy that.

Success!

Fri, 16 Jul 2004 07:25:07 GMT

I have uploaded a better picture of myself to use as an icon. It's with the magnificent drum too, so what's not to love?

I'm dreadfully tired, but I thought I'd share my icon excitement with you all. I talked with Balin. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. Goodnight, all.

Oh goodness!

Wed, 14 Jul 2004 21:28:42 GMT

I wasn't expecting everyone to get in such an uproar about Bofur. I know I shouldn't make excuses, but he's just like that. But you're all right, I shouldn't put up with him always making fun of me. I don't really want to be nasty and cause problems though either. I didn't end up throwing Bofur's clarinet down the laundry chute; on second thought it seemed very childish. And even so, dwarven laundry chutes are ridiculously long...if the clarinet got stuck anywhere on the way down, it would cause an irreversible clothes clog.

You know, I think I'm going to go talk to Balin about my problems with Bofur. He's level-headed and reasonable, so certainly he'll know what I should do. I'll keep you all posted. Thank you so much for your concern! I feel *loved*.

Music!

Tue, 13 Jul 2004 02:15:39 GMT

I practiced my drum today for two whole hours, and I feel that it has helped me immensely. I sometimes get lazy about practicing, but I feel ever so much better when I do. I could be a really good percussionist if I put my mind to it. It's just not exactly the dwarven way to become a musician. Practicality; that's the key. But I love playing my drum.

I made a passing comment that perhaps I should become a starving artist. Bofur (forever infuriating!) said "I doubt anyone would think you were starving."

I think I may *accidentally* drop his clarinet down the 40 league long laundry chute. He's not a good enough musician to understand my art anyway.

In search of an oliphaunt...

Fri, 09 Jul 2004 20:13:11 GMT

Is eating an entire oliphaunt even physically feasible? Bifur and I got in a debate about it the other day. He said it was altogether impossible, but really, if you were terribly hungry, wouldn't it be possible? He bet me one mithril coat that it was not possible, and I mean to get that coat.

Now, to find me an oliphaunt...

Does anyone know where an oliphaunt even lives??? And how would I prove I ate it, even if I went on a quest and found one, and ate it? And how on earth would I go about cooking it? I'm pretty sure even Nori's giant cauldron wouldn't do.

Hrmm.

Soap vs. soup

Mon, 05 Jul 2004 03:22:06 GMT

Two days ago Bofur gave me a new bar of soap. I don't know whether to think that he's being incredibly thoughtful, or telling me I stink. At any rate, it is called "Orchard Breeze" soap, but it really smells like a delicious apple. After my afternoon siesta I accidentally took a bite of it because I mistook it for an apple. Disorientation does things like that to you. I can tell you assuredly that "Orchard Breeze" soap does not taste like apples in the least, and the texture leaves much to be desired. On the upside, I could sneeze bubbles for the next couple of hours.

Nori made a mushroom soup today, and it quite made up for my soap ingestion.

I wonder if soap will clean your internal organs. I'm betting it will just give me heartburn. *Sigh*

A nice tart is just the ticket.

Tue, 29 Jun 2004 22:31:47 GMT

It took a long time, but here it is:

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME:
01 | Smaug
02 | loss of friends/family
03 | loss of food
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS THAT I ALWAYS CARRY WITH ME:
01 | my pale green hood
02 | a drum
03 | a Bundt cake (you really never know)
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I LOVE:
01 | food
02 | riches
03 | cooking
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I HATE:
01 | dieting/cram
02 | money-grubbing dragons
03 | descrimination against dwarves of size
-----------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND:
01 | Thranduil’s reasoning
02 | anorexia
03 | being shoved into barrels
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS ON MY DESK:
01 | a recipe for pork-pie
02 | a vanilla bean candle Dwalin gave me
03 | a half-eaten blueberry muffin
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW:
01 | eating the other half of said muffin
02 | pondering what dragons eat
03 | making an insinuating photo-manip of Bofur
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE:
01 | get back my stolen riches
02 | have a significant other
03 | can oliphaunts be eaten?
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I CAN DO:
01 | play the drums
02 | make some mean pancakes
03 | eat excessively
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO:
01 | move easily
02 | navigate narrow passage-ways
03 | pass up a good meal
--------------------------------------------------------
THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY:
01 | a tad gluttonous
02 | good-natured
03 | fun-loving
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO:
01 | Thorin, he made a lot of sense
02 | Dwarven songs; they’re highly underrated
03 | Bilbo – really ingenious, that one
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO EVER:
01 | Bofur when he makes fun of my weight
02 | Thranduil’s elf propaganda
03 | Dr. Atkins
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST:
01 | What’s goin’ on in the kitchen?
02 | Where did my Bundt go?
03 | Delicious!
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS:
01 | pork-pies and salad
02 | sausage
03 | ANY FOOD, but maybe not cram
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN:
01 | restraint
02 | Dwarven lore
03 | percussion
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY:
01 | mead
02 | beer
03 | water
------------------------------------------------------------
THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID:
01 | Shows? Well, watching musical performances was a tradition
02 | Bombur is Bad at Hide and Seek! I didn’t much like that one.
03 | Ye Olde Dwarven Mail Showwe
------------------------------------------------------------
DESCRIBE YOUR..

[ x ] Wallet – pale green pouch

[ x ] Hairbrush – brown and wooden, 10 spokes

[ x ] Toothbrush - green

[ x ] Jewelry worn daily - none

[ x ] Pillow cover – mithril. That thing is unbreakable

[ x ] Blanket – giant, yellow and fuzzy

[ x ] Coffee cup – has my name one it. I have the largest mug.

[ x ] Sunglasses – I like seeing the sun

[ x ] Underwear – Big and Tall ones

[ x ] Favorite shirt – One that fits

[ x ] Cologne/Perfume - I bathe on a regular basis.

[ x ] CD in stereo right now – motivational speeches from Large Dwarves Anonymous

[ x ] Tattoos – none.

[ x ] Piercings - No.

[ x ] What you are wearing now – nice bright colors, lots of greens

[ x ] In my mouth – remainder of muffin

[ x ] Wishing – there was another muffin

[ x ] If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason? Smaug. Or Thranduil.

[ x ] Person you wish you could see right now - Bilbo

[ x ] Is next to you – Bifur is reading over my shoulder.

[ x ] Some of your favorite movies – There and Back Again, Die, Smaug, Die!, and Cooking (Sinisterly) with Saruman!!!

[ x ] Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month – next large banquet

[ x ] The last thing you ate – the muffin. It was delicious

[ x ] Something that you are deathly afraid of – being judged by my appearance

[ x ] Do you like candles – I like my vanilla bean one. But one time I took a bite out of it. Bad idea.

[ x ] Do you like incense - Not as much

[ x ] Do you like the taste of blood – In rare meat, yes.

[ x ] Do you believe in love – I do. I hope someday I can experience it.

[ x ] Do you believe in soul mates - Maybe

[ x ] Do you believe in love at first sight - Yes

[ x ] Do you believe in Heaven - assuredly

[ x ] Do you believe in God – Aulë of course

[ x ] What do you want done with your body when you die - a nice tomb/burial

[ x ] If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be – a pumpking, but I’d have to eventually eat him

[ x ] What is the latest you've ever stayed up – I’ve stayed up days at a time.

[ x ] What's your favorite coin – gold ones

[ x ] What are some of your favorite candies – caramels and Blow Pops

[ x ] What's something you wish you could understand better – my glands

[ x ] Who is someone that you really wish was still around – Myself in a size 16. Those were the days.

I am stuffed.

Sun, 27 Jun 2004 21:02:40 GMT

The banquet went on for TWO WHOLE DAYS. Dwarves really know have to put on good banquets. I have not been able to move from my chair in several hours, but I do not mind in the least.

Bofur made an insinuating comment about the amount I was eating. He's threatening to put me on a diet. I very much doubt he will though. Stupid Bofur.

Why is cheese so delicious?

Fri, 25 Jun 2004 17:12:45 GMT

Smaug looks more like this:

I ate Bofur's pudding.

Fri, 25 Jun 2004 17:08:57 GMT

Last night Fili and Kili made a delicious caramel pudding that they are saving for our banquet tomorrow. They made sure they had just enough pudding for everyone, and of course, we weren't supposed to eat the pudding until tomorrow. But Bofur was being quite nasty last night, so early this morning when I got my midnight snack of three roast ducks, I also ate his pudding. I hope Fili and Kili don't notice. It was delicious pudding.

I've been trying to find communities I want to join, but it's been hard. I feel a bit odd adding "Dwarf Tossers Nonanonymous" first of all, because tossing dwarves is no laughing matter, and second of all, it's all rather Gimli-centric, and I don't want Gloin to think I'm getting ideas...*about Gimli.* He's far too young anyway.

I was hoping I could find a picture of me where I looked a tad slimmer, but in all the ones I found of me looking thinner I was scowling, or my eyes were half closed. So...I posted this one, because in general, I'm a pretty jolly dwarf.

I am pleased to add the dragon icon. It reminds me of Smaug. Except Smaug doesn't smile.

By Aule! I do believe my pumpkin fritters are done!

At last!

Fri, 25 Jun 2004 03:53:27 GMT

A very private journal where I can write all my very private thoughts. It's only...quite public. And well...really I don't mind. It's just that if Bifur or Bofur found out then I'd be made fun of not only for being fat (which is SUCH an old joke), but also for having angst.

At least this livejournal does not judge me! At least the computer doesn't say "Get away from me, fattie!" Really, for a race that is known for broad, stocky males, dwarves can really be prats.

*Sigh.* I suppose I should upload a picture of myself. Hopefully anyone reading will not run in terror...